CHEAPER BY THE DOZEN 7

I WAS GIVEN THE TITLE of director of the Lego Hall of Fame. I decide what creations have what it takes to not get destroyed. Lately the trend has been robots but I don't think the boys realize it's only a trend. I'm open to monsters, submarines and battle tanks. I judge on symmetry, color coordination and originality. Naturally every entry has to have a story-- and I expect it to be good. There's no reason to immortalize the creation on the card table if it's got no soul.

I woke up magically early. I'd eaten so much the night before I could still taste it all in my mouth. The youngsters were up. Teddy and I made coffee and sliced bread for toast. Later, We were all off to the river for a picnic lunch.

Children sunscreened, we piled in the cars and drove out to a place near Limoux 30 km away. We set up under a shady tree and made sandwiches with cucumber, ham and cheese. The younger boys immediately starting sending their Legos downstream while the rest of us waded into the river cautiously. The water level was low, but the temperature was tolerable. The huge, dry rocks were warm and we laid out on them like lizards.

We explored the land thoroughly and captured a large leech we found swimming in a little green cesspool. We drank cider from plastic bottles and re-applied sunscreen to the youngsters.

Gusti, Harrison, Jasmine, Tallulah, Joe, Elektra and William. Aside from Tallulah's brown hair they're all blonde. They're all tanned and pre-occupied with the normal things kids are pre-occpied with: video games, legos, hair-pulling tantrums...

We were all sun-drunk and we headed back to the Manor.

Then it was naptime but the kids thought a second viewing of Cheaper by the Dozen 2 was in order. Harrison maintained it was better than the first. Both of them wanted to make me gag. Steve Martin and Bonnie Hunt love having sex so much that they end up having 12 kids. I assumed that the film was a Brady Bunch big-families-get-together-because-of-death situation but I was wrong. They just love having unprotected sex. The Christian undertones are heavy throughout, just shy of propaganda. Jesus gets thrown into the dialog almost as much as Steve Martin gets doused with scrambled eggs.

Dinner happened in a big way and we got to sit with the adults. We drank till 1 AM telling travel horror stories-- I quickly realized I was only an amateur. Dave told a story about accepting an offer to sleep at an old man's house-- only to wake up two hours later with his penis being fondled on the kitchen floor. He demanded money from the old man for the molestation, but then the man put a gun to his head. He lived. Alice told a story about sleeping through the biggest cyclone of the century in southeast Asia-- she described waking up to the horror of a destroyed nation and having to escape typhoid in a rented van.

Simon, a man with the most intensely London accent ever, told a story about trapping a car thief in his car for 15 minutes while waiting for the police to come. I had to sit there and admire them all, hoping that someday I'd have some stories to shock the youngsters with.

The next day was Teddy's day off from sitting and we hooked up with Maria and went to Corcasan- the biggest city nearby. Dave had given us his Jamiroquai tickets for the night. We went into town, toured around and drank too much beer. We played Rummy in the town square until dinner at a mediocre Vietnamese restaurant. Then we saw Jamiroquai do his thing at the castle which was a very funky thing indeed. It was only the second time I'd seen Jamiroquai perform in a castle. He was a real pleasure to watch. He wore a large, black and white feathered headdress with a matching tracksuit and trainers. He played Virtual Insanity and Dance and all the other hits that I've come to know and love over the years. We left the concert with thoroughly creamed shorts. And to a club where they played house music. And then we looped around the castle a couple times until we remembered where we parked the car. The car was from England and the steering wheel was on the wrong side. Sitting in the passenger's seat made every passing car look like a potential head-on collision.

Today is today. I have jousting lessons at 3:30 and I have to clean the snake skins out of the dungeon in the guest cottage. We have to pick up new light bulbs for the dentist chair in the study and we have to re-upholster the chez lounge for the party on Saturday. This thank you note is practically going to write itself. Don't miss the tent. Haven't spoken to Ginger in three days. Dan's probably flat as a French flapjack.

ALUKEALONE